Why did Thomas Cook fail, James Villa Holidays stop advertising on ITV, but TUI flourish?
Because while the first two offered trips to Africa with a promise they couldn’t keep, to see the Big Five game, TUI saw an opportunity… I had just entered the workforce.
I signed an agreement with TUI which gave them exclusive rights to send a safari to my 1 bedroom North London national park every Sunday. And I assured them, without fail, every khaki that came would see the Sunday Five.
On the day when most rest, I religiously do the following to prepare for the week ahead (in order):
- Iron a shirt
- Polish my shoes
- Cut my nails
- Shave
- Pluck my monobrow
How does a broken oven impact the expedition?
Because I’ve always worked best when I have a deadline. So I eat a chore sandwich made with a Deliveroo bun.
6pm on a Sunday I’ll be lying on my, quite comfy, sixth former’s light grey suit coloured sofa.
My only recognised clothing will be a pair of boxers from a H&M Autumn/Winter 2015 dark block colours pack (black, navy, marl grey).
But I’ll accessorise with a 2m x 2m teal Dunelm blanket cocoon. I wash the blanket with a frequency that impresses me, but not others.
I’ll release a hand, 2 hours prematurely from my metamorphosis, and pick up my phone. The angle I watch films at means it will be my hand where the fingerprint unlock doesn’t work properly. So after a couple of jabs I enter my passcode.
When I get to the Deliveroo app it’s a different story and I glide around like Torvill if she wasn’t weighed down by Dean’s personality. Sort by quickest delivery time. Slot machine spin my way down further than I’d ever usually go: 50-55 minutes. For once, I’ll be ok with delivery being slower, but not quicker. This Bolero lasts for 48 minutes.
Here’s how my most recent day in the Sun panned out:
Lift off (6 mins)
A straightforward confidence builder to start.
Get the ironing board out. Take the iron out of a cupboard meant for clothes, but which is empty, because all my clothes fit into two drawers in a medium sized chest of drawers. Let the iron meet the board and turn on the iron (facing up like it’s found itself as the meal at a space shuttle launch). As it heats, put on a film I’ve already seen before so I can zone out guilt free while I’m pressing.
Iron shirt and turn a blind eye to any stubborn creases.
The shoe shines on the righteous (6 mins)
Only family heirloom I’ve received on my paternal side isn’t an object, but a technique.
How to polish your shoes with a sock.
To try and avoid giving my dad the satisfaction, I’ve tried other techniques but, frustratingly, they don’t work as well.
Get a white sports sock. You’re meant to choose a sock meant for destruction with that month’s old, tatty banknotes. But any socks that last that long are usually branded, plus we’ve been through a lot, so I form an attachment to them.
Instead, I order the cheapest white sports socks on Amazon, which come in a pack of 20. The total price is still cheaper than the cheapest 3 pack of branded.
When I come to use them I remember why you should use an old sock.
If you don’t cry smearing a virgin pearl white sock in tar black shoe polish, you don’t have a soul.
But I can’t separate twins, so I do it.
I direct the tears onto the leather as a substitute for spit (which I wouldn’t have used anyway but I like both the concept as well as the resourcefulness aspect).
As I start polishing I remember why you should use a branded sock. You use one side to apply polish and the other to remove and buff. You use the rear end to rub as vigorously as you would if you’d had dairy instead of oat milk and were late for a meeting. The friction mixed with standard issue Kiwi polish burns through the stringy 8-11s like an office worker does to office toilet paper.
A branded sock will last you 3 months (although you replace it annually) and the hospital sock lasts only 1 month (although you replace it annually).
Edward Clipperhands (3 mins)
You’ve basically just put your hand in a bucket of black paint. Carex Aloe Vera wasn’t designed for this. But fortunately you’ve got a week of nail growth and some paint has splashed on them.
So I cut my nails and it saves having to scrub that tiny part of my hands and forearms for 20 minutes.
I clip my finger nails every Sunday. It’s 2 days more frequently than I’d like, but if I don’t do something regularly I forget. Case in point being my toe nails. I did have these on a 7 day cycle too for a while, but when I wore cheap white sports socks it looked like I’d put them on too quickly after painting my nails red.
Instead I use people calling me a hobbit in the street to remind me to shear.
A close shave (23 mins)
I wet shave. I use well lathered shaving gel, or occasionally foam. It takes 8 minutes. But I’m scared of Santa.
So instead of a face slap, I have to shower immediately to ensure no foam remains. Showering plus putting my boxers back on takes 15 minutes.
Just as I’ve applied the shaving gel and am at peak Claus, there’s a knock on the door.
I’ve often debated whether I should wear my boxers or not when I shave given I’m going straight in the shower after. To date, I always do. I think it’s out of respect for the craft. Whoever’s at the door doesn’t know how lucky they are.
I open the door and I’m so shocked I nearly fall out of my sleigh. The Deliveroo rider is well ahead of schedule!
He laughs “Merry Christmas!”.
Little shit. I’ll put him in his place.
“Wrong house mate. Show me the address.”
Smile leaves his face. Shows me his phone.
“Ah easy mistake mate. That flat is a 28 minute round trip away.”
I slam the door in his face. I hear him start his moped up. Then even louder I hear him think “28 minutes is a bit of specific time for him to know”. Then even louder I hear him think “why did he say round trip?”.
I go back to the bathroom. Shivering from the wind on my cloudface. I apple bob into the basin and start again. Reapply shaving gel. Shave. Shower. Put boxers on (same pair. They weren’t dirty and I’m going to have to put a new pair on anyway in a few hours after another shower in the morning and drying off with a towel that’s still wet).
One becomes two (10 mins)
How do you put a giraffe in a fridge? You take the lion out and put the giraffe in.
In a similar fashion, once the iron has cooled, I take the shaving mirror out of the cupboard and put the iron in.
I’ve never used the shaving mirror for shaving, but its house of mirrors side is a perfect eyebrow fission plant.
It’s still just about daylight so I open the blinds, which have a week’s dust on them. As my eyes adjust I lie on my front on the bed with the shaving mirror flat and the bottom of it in line with the top of my nose (took me years to work out how to stop the mirror from steaming up. Before this my solution was to hold my breath).
By now I’ve evolved from being a naked mole rat and I can see. I immediately wish I was still underground when I see Frida Kahlo staring back at me.
I begin the operation. I’m left handed so I’m more adept at cutting back my right slug. It means this one usually ends up shaped like a hedge at a National Trust estate, but, after I’ve hacked at it, the left one looks like a tectonic plate.
Just as I finish up I hear the moped return. Deliveroo rider knocks at the door. I answer. No smile, but no frown, from either of us. Hands over the churros and leaves. I close the door.
As he walks back to his bike I hear him thinking “Wow it actually was 28 minutes AND a round trip from that other guy’s flat”.
I now know I’m ready for work tomorrow. I’m completely unrecognisable from 48 minutes before.