It was 10.30pm on the nearest Saturday to Halloween. I was at home vacantly watching the second Fantastic Beasts film and rewinding 10 seconds, every 20 seconds, because I kept zoning out and missing the introduction of yet another creature that evolution wouldn’t have allowed. I don’t know what I want, so I went for a walk. It lasted twenty minutes and climaxed with me being Co-op’s last customer and walking out with a family sized pot of pomegranate and a fork.

I decided to turn into McDonald’s on my way home. I scanned my code and scrolled through every screen before ordering just the large white coffee I had intended to. I realised how far I’d come as a coffee drinker when I questioned why it was called a white coffee and not a white americano. At my basket I was reminded I had 18,000 points (penny a point for the uninitiated). I wondered if today was the day I would add the Children in Need vouchers and give them the money. It wasn’t, I couldn’t be bothered to click three more times.

I hadn’t been to McDonald’s for a while, but a vague memory told me 18k was low (I know). I checked my history on the app and saw a load had expired. There is absolutely no reason why those points should expire. Either way, my laziness, and the Hamburglar’s cunning, has directly cost children who are in need a tenner (10k points). I distracted myself by trying to remember why I give my points to charity. I then realised I might soon have to start saying “gave” instead of “give”. Ultimately, I can’t remember why, nor why I’m so resolute against spending them on myself, but I do and I am.

I’m now waiting for my order as the half-cut punters look with bewilderment at the incongruence of a guy in a cap, puffer jacket, trackies and Air Max, eating pomegranate and waiting for a coffee in McDonald’s at 11pm. The ones who’ve put the most effort into their outfits are studying me trying to work out if they’ve missed a major TV series. Whatever they conclude, they’re sure they’re looking at a man whose eccentricities have guided him to a place of certainty, however precarious.