As we approach core summer and new wardrobes, your editor has turned investigative reporter to lift the lid on the reluctant pressure middle-aged women are under to clothe their husbands.
To do this, I chose a selection of reviews on the Marks and Spencer website from women who bought items for their husbands. I then went to speak to them to understand more about the reality of trying to control a situation that is uncontrollably stationary.
My investigation is split by item of clothing and begins with a screenshot of the review.
To protect the women’s identities, I’ve selected a name at random which I’ll use for all of them.
Quick Dry Plain Swim Shorts – 1
Despite being just a single full stopless sentence, there was a lot to unpack here.
I could tell before I arrived that Karen’s husband was very insecure. And that to control the narrative he’d begun a propaganda campaign, with Karen as his one and only stormtrooper.
She’d been ingrained to make absolutely clear her husband was knowingly using swim shorts for a purpose other than swimming, and had not made the same schoolboy error he was mocked for as a 13-year-old.
She’d also been forced to recite over and over again that the shorts were a super length which were coincidentally short. They were NOT short shorts.
I wondered why her husband would have authorised the review and publicity given his insecurity. Then I realised he was the kind to fish for compliments by the hotel pool, so there was a slim chance another husband would ask his wife to buy him a pair of these sunbathing shorts. This review would lie in wait as a mitigant, should the second Karen arrive on the M&S website and find herself bemusedly looking at swim shorts.
Unfortunately, I didn’t get time to confirm that theory.
After I sat down on Karen’s sofa, I lightly touched the sides of my tea to confirm it was too hot to drink, then looked at my clipboard.
“Ah yes, the quick dry plain swim shorts.”
I noticed Karen froth lightly at the corners of her mouth.
Unperturbed, I continued, “First question, Karen. What-“
“Do you know how f***ing hard it is to find a pair of shorts with one pocket?!”
“Huh?”
“That’s the part of my review you reporters always gloss over!”
“There’s other reporters?”
“Read it again, it says they have a pocket, a!”
I took a moment to reach into my right trouser pocket to get a tissue to wipe off the spit she’d just deposited on my freshly trimmed beard. Then I remembered the tissue was in my other pocket, so I reached in there.
“Are you f***ing taunting me?!”
“What?”
“Get the f*** out of my house!”
Quick Dry Plain Swim Shorts – 2
This review of swim shorts belonged to a slightly less totalitarian household than the previous one. A similar theme shines through of husbands needing emotional distance from swimming when using swim shorts for other purposes. But this couple have at least found a tailoring alteration as a substitute for brainwashing.
Quick Dry Plain Swim Shorts – 3
The review gave me a sense of the pressure Karen was under before I arrived at the private hospital in Kensington where we’d agreed to meet; abbreviating the word “holiday” and living in a household which expected returns to be completed before departure.
Although, she told me there was a moment of measured calm amidst the mayhem as her flamboyant, hip surgeon husband (and boss) dispassionately dictated from inside his office, “Accurate sizing and fair quality”.
Quick Dry Plain Swim Shorts – 4
Karen had a lot of confidence knocks early in the relationship having bought bravely but poorly. She has since learned the solution is to cover the colour spectrum and then see a therapist for reassurance she did the right thing, even if there isn’t a shred of evidence to support it.
Regular Fit Stretch Chino Shorts – 1
Karen, of Quick Dry Plain Swim Shorts – 4 fame, is really getting her money’s worth out of her psychologist, even if it does end up on being spent on blues and greens.
Regular Fit Stretch Chino Shorts – 2
I knocked at the door. It wasn’t answered by Karen, but by a gentleman of slightly below average height.
I held my hand out. “You must be Karen’s husband. Pleased to meet you, I’m-“
“How do you know I’m Karen’s husband?”
“Because you live in the same house as her and you’re 5ft 6in.”
“Err… how do you know Karen’s husband is 5ft 6in?”
“Because she wrote it on the M&S website.”
He slammed the door in my face, nearly catching my still outstretched hand.
Even through the heavy wooden door, I heard him boom, “Karen! I told you to stop f***ing posting online how tall I am!”
Regular Fit Stretch Chino Shorts – 3
The door was opened by a smiling Karen, but the mood changed when I asked why the shorts needed an elastic waist if they fit perfectly. She told me her husband was due home any minute and that I should go.
Karens, knowingly or unknowingly, buying into their husbands’ weight denial became a theme as I worked through the reviews.
Regular Fit Stretch Chino Shorts – 4
I’m pretty sure this one is my dad, so I didn’t investigate.
I lost my first phone as an 11-year-old swinging on a rail in Spain and ever since I was forced to have closed pockets.
I once bought a bobble hat and was asked if it had a zip pocket, like I was some Victorian banker keeping bills of exchange under my top hat.
Regular Fit Stretch Chino Shorts – 5
A review from a lower case karen (i.e. mid-30s and unmarried). We’ll see how long saying “short short” lasts after the big day. He’ll probably be 5′ 6″ by then and she’ll have learned to buy green as well as blue.
Suede Moccasin Slippers with Freshfeet™
Non-furry moccasins are perhaps not quite on the same difficulty level as trying to find a pair of shorts with one pocket, but Karen was resourcefully able to find a solution, even if it may not be the solution, judging by the tone of her last sentence. But Karen won’t mind that, she and her husband are recently retired actuaries and she knows she just needs to keep kicking the can down the road.
7 Pack Cool & Fresh™ Cotton Rich Socks
Karen’s husband doesn’t like anything but somehow likes these. I sigh as she recounts her story of another middle-aged bloke who says don’t buy him anything, but then doesn’t refuse, refund, or donate the gifts he receives.
3 Pack Pure Cotton Sleeveless Vests
I’m yet to meet a Karen who is able to relay to me with a straight face how her husband justifies saving a plain white vest for ‘best’.
5 Pack Pure Cotton Checked Woven Boxers – 1
Again, the denial element cropped up. I was going to ask Karen if she actually believes what she wrote or did her husband just want it on record that he hasn’t gained weight, in the belief that history belongs to those who write it.
But then I saw the next review and realised this could be part of something bigger.
5 Pack Pure Cotton Checked Woven Boxers – 2
From the previous review and the first part of this one, I thought I was in for a classic Goldilocks tale, with the next review seeing the perfect size being bought first time.
But then the Karens flipped the fairytale script into a Trumpian melodrama – no, it’s not the bears at fault for making poor choices, it’s the porridge oats and the furniture builders who need to be held to account.
The final sentence lacking a question mark also warned me I was going to be facing off against a pair of sass-pouted lips.
5 Pack Pure Cotton Cool & Fresh™ Jersey Boxers
I asked Karen about the scorched patch in her garden and she excitedly said that they have a bonfire every fourth Sunday. But when I asked her what they burn, she became hesitant and asked me to remind her what paper I was with. I didn’t like where the conversation was going, so I lied and said Horse & Hound. She said they didn’t burn either of them, then changed the subject.
I said I forgot to put sugar in my tea, knowing she’d offer to get it. When she went inside, I craftily approached the burnt ground.
There was nothing left in the pit. But then, beneath the long grass I was stood on next to the bonfire site, I felt a crunching like bones under my feet. I feared the worst, and when I looked down I saw it was the discarded plastic loops and cardboard labels from XL men’s boxer shorts which had created a high street graveyard comprising Next, H&M, George (ASDA), Tu (Sainsbury’s), and even one tag from John Lewis (own brand).
Activewear Jacquard Mesh Stripe T-Shirt
The most enthusiastic husband I came across.
I didn’t have the heart to tell Karen that when a middle-aged bloke finds a sport he can still play, he’s like a puppy and everything in the world becomes new and exciting. But that after a few months he’ll be back to his dreary old sofa’d self.
I also don’t tell her that the reason it’s the first time she’s ever heard him say “value for money” is because there’s an awful lot of their income currently being splurged on expensive courts, top of the range rackets, and ex-professional coaches.
Regular Fit Linen Blend Chinos – 1
The local elections were looming when I visited Karen and there was a surprising number of bare-legged candidates knocking at her door saying they’d been mugged, apparently only from the waist down, and begging her to give them any denim she had to spare.
Regular Fit Linen Blend Chinos – 2
This interview took the longest of them all because I didn’t believe Karen when she kept saying yes to me asking, “And you’re sure he said he was going to buy them?”
Slim fit suit
A hugely popular item with many reviews, but none that fit my criteria.
Regular fit suit – 1
Blunt and to the point. Good luck to even the most insecure husband trying to make Karen spew the party line after trudging for two weekends of suit shopping, only to be foiled by a hem that will stay under the table for the entirety of their niece’s wedding, and far away from the dancefloor where its greying owner fears he would be judged mercilessly.
Regular fit suit – 2
This is the sort of man Karens leave their husbands for. And indeed, this was Karen’s second marriage.
We actually had a funny moment in the garden when she dropped the pill she was slipping into her husband’s tea on the grass and struggled to find it – turns out she’s blue-green colourblind.
I told her about my findings during this investigation and said her eyesight might be the reason her previous marriage ended. She dusted the dirt off the pill then agreed, saying yes, that might be the reason.