I was raised never to waste food. But Fat Boy Chinese lives up to its name.
For a while I’d been hesitant to order from them and I didn’t quite know why. Despite not being the closest Chinese restaurant by distance, they were often the quickest for delivery. And I’m usually a sucker for a slick operation.
In the interest of time, I pencil in the reason as being that if I order non-English cuisine, I prefer to not know what the name of the restaurant means (my usual Chinese is called “May Mei Wok” and my 1000% markup pasta place near work is “Coco di Mama”). The element of mystery appeals to a man whose life is already twenty years ahead of where it should be. I make a note to come back to the question if I have time at the end.
Whenever you have Chinese or Indian the starters seem to go down as easily as water and as tastily as strawberry flavoured water (Volvic). An Asian starter can even tolerate, and at times be benefitted by, a little too much salt.
So I conclude I can eat unlimited food as long as I don’t order any mains.
Fat Boy Chinese is third on the Deliveroo home page but I exercise best practice and filter by Chinese food first before clicking on it.
I put “appetisers” into Google Translate and when this results in “starters” after being converted from pinyin to English I know I’m in the right place.
I order:
- Prawn toast
- Satay chicken skewers
- Grilled dumplings
- Capital spare ribs (They weren’t nice. I’d never had these before but I think I was influenced by listening to Tyson Fury on the radio repeatedly refer to Wembley Stadium as the “Capital Stadium”)
The portions are big and I don’t come close to finishing. It’s like they knew what I was attempting and wanted to teach me a lesson. Nudging me back towards the more lucrative mains.
Normally it’s no issue and I prioritise the prawn toast and dumplings, which won’t keep, and put the leftovers in the fridge.
My hard rule for Chinese is 3 days. And as I’m neglecting the moreish satay sauce and the lessish ribs, I realise I’ve just double booked myself for the next 3 days. I’m in the office for these days so a lunchtime warm up isn’t possible. And my dinners are forecast as follows:
T+1: Spurs at home so half pounder with cheese from the burger van (which has gone up to £8 due to inflation).
T+2: I’m going gym and it’ll be getting late so I have to pick up McDonald’s on the way home as something quick and avoid waiting for the microwave and associated stirring.
T+3: I couldn’t choose between a Big Mac and the Big Tasty on T+2 so have to get the loser to satisfy my craving.
Despite knowing none of these will cancel on me, I still leave the leftovers in the fridge for three days before binning them.
I feel guiltier than the days when I get McDonald’s delivered from a McDonald’s 0.2 miles away from my flat (it’s usually mornings).
I decide I need to rationalise my actions to myself. I start from first principles and try to explain it to my 9 year old son.
“Why is it bad to waste food Dad?”
“Well son, because there are other people in the world who don’t have enough food.”
“But the food is already on my plate, I can’t get it to them before it goes off so throwing it away doesn’t make a difference.”
“Basic economics boy. The more you buy from Fat Boy, the more the big guy orders from his wholesaler for next time and the more food is diverted from the poorer to the gluttons. Even if you learn your lesson and stop buying from him, he’s already ordered the food and it will go to waste, after he’s kept it in his fridge for 3 days.”
“So the goal of not wasting food is to reduce food poverty?”
“In a manner of speaking, yes.”
After this Socratic dialogue I come up with the following argument why not not wasting food might be ok.
- I stuffed myself but didn’t absolutely stuff myself. If I had finished it all, I’d have had an additional 400 calories of satay chicken and 500 calories of ribs. Rounded, that’s roughly 900 calories.
- My vanity would kick in and I’d need to lose the weight. It takes 1 hour 20 minutes to burn 900 calories playing Zumba.
- The UK minimum wage is £9.50 for my demographic. So I could have earnt £12.66 instead of the Zumba class (and without getting propositioned by the over 50s (I’ve fallen within their range given the extra 900 calories I’m lugging about (its gone straight to my belly giving me an attractive ballast during the lateral dance moves))).
- The left over food cost about £7.66. Taken away from my £12.66 earnings I’ve now got an impressive £5 left which I can donate to a food poverty charity.
In conclusion, if I order the right amount, the local economy has lost £7.66 (not strictly true because their margins might be thin and the money goes upstream instead) and the food poverty charity has lost £5 in donations. So the only winner here is the food poverty charity to whom I would have given the £7.66 I ‘d have saved from not over ordering.
In conclusion, the science is undeniable and you should over order.
Only you shouldn’t. The above calculations don’t factor in the legal costs of filing for moral bankruptcy after throwing away food. Nor do they put a price on the feeling of guilt. Incorporating these puts you well in the red.
In conclusion, it just doesn’t feel right to throw away food. So trust your gut and don’t do it. And remember, if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, is a duck and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.