The Broken Fan

Play and musical reviews

October 2024. Stopped caring about football, substituted with theatre. This page contains my post-match analyses.

A sorely needed guide on how to attend the theatre is available at the end.

Shows and shortcuts, ordered from latest viewing to earliest:

MJ the Musical

Early on, MJ made a throwaway comment to a parasitic MTV film crew, “The songs are the stars, not the singer.”
It’s a view I too held as I walked from Nando’s into the Prince Edward Theatre. The idea of anonymising the artist before you consume their art so the art can live without the artist, and the artist without the art, was something that appealed to me.
Having given this significant thought during a controversial fino pitta + spicy rice + macho peas + peach ice tea (no bottomless as I limit my liquids 75 mins before a show), I was resolute in my view this was the optimal solution. However, very soon after the show started, and I witnessed MJ’s charisma, that view fractured. Between songs I asked myself:

Does an atheist gushing over a pretty sunset enjoy it as much as a believer gushing over a pretty sunset?

Being an agnostic, I made very little progress. But I continued my discourse on the tube home and decided knowing who the artist is has a bigger impact on pleasure and displeasure than I’d previously allowed for. It’s nudged me onto the side of – you have to take it all or leave it all.
And I’m comfortable here, it’s a model I’ve applied to my personal relationships for many years, with great success. To illustrate, the amount of people I’m friends with that I absolutely hate would astound you, but as long as I think they’ll help me get richer by more than the amount I hate them, I’m all smiles. Understand, the SECOND that see-saw tips the wrong way, diplomatic ties are severed, and often brutally if I know other teeterers are watching.
I say it’s working well… it’s currently close to breaking point with a record number of people, many of whom read this blog, one “aww did you see how cute that sunset was last night?” away from their curtains being drawn.
Review: Good show.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button the Musical

I hate theatre.

The Lion King

THEEE CIIIRRCCLLEE… THE CIIIIIRRRCCCLLLEEE OFFF LLIIIIIIFFFEEE!!!
Highlight: I think Mufasa’s death might be the most emotive death in all of performing arts.
General feeling of late: I hate the theatre.

The Tina Turner Musical

Why am I here?

The Last Laugh

Imagines three bygone British comics, Eric Morecambe, Bob Monkhouse and Tommy Cooper, in a dressing room together. There are jokes but this is not strictly a comedy, it’s centred around the three of them debating funny factories vs funny bones.
I knew of each of them but not much more, so it was an interesting exercise for me to watch a study of greatness without the preconceptions of personalities or baggage that I may have had, say, listening to a dressing room of Messi, Ronaldo and Maradona (who I came to understand Morecambe, Monkhouse and Cooper as, respectively).
Theatre: When I saw the average age of the audience I was worried we were going to have another Duchess experience with malfunctioning hearing aids. Fortunately, the evening passed without incident, unless you count the following…
Highlight: I arrived and sat down in my seat. Knowing for a fact the seat next to me would be empty, I put my jacket on it. I then noticed the elder gentleman two down from me was, one, a fellow solo attendee, and, two, needlessly clutching his coat. To acknowledge the former, I metaphorically tipped my cap to him. To address the latter, I leaned over to tell him he could put his coat on the seat between us if he liked. But I only got as far as “This seat is free-” when I realised his eyes had not moved a millimetre towards me and remained emptily assessing an even emptier stage. I built up a resistance to being ignored in my younger days going out out, so I was able to brush this rejection off on impact, although I was tested a second time by the wry smile of the lady in the row behind me.
But why was it my highlight? Because he’s the man I aspire to be. If he was deaf, then I rate him for not even bothering to look at me and for going to the theatre when it had little to offer him. And if he wasn’t deaf and simply had the rock solid confidence to blank the most earnest act of unnecessary kindness a theatre has ever seen – then I’ve just met my new idol.
Review: Good.

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child

As an adolescent I suffered from the affliction that every single single socially awkward teenage boy does – Where Do I Put My Hands Syndrome. Harry Potter and the Cursed Child is the theatrical equivalent of this for grown ups. It took me until my early twenties to develop a suite of stances to alleviate my handicap, which included: arms folded when waiting for a pint, arms on hips and talking out of the corner of my mouth when watching football standing in a pub, and arms behind back Columbo style when investigating a crime. The similarity with HPATCC is that it’s a two parter with a 2 hour gap in between parts. When I found out I instantly contracted Where Do I Put My Time Syndrome. The dilemma has worried me since I suddenly started going to the theatre and it’s been the reason I’ve put off going. But running out of shows, I had to bite the curse and go. Also factor in that my iPhone 8’s battery is “significantly degraded”, which meant pretending to look at my phone in coffee shops and restaurants for an extended period and still having enough juice to get my ticket up for part two wasn’t an option. And please respect that while I did fleetingly consider the 30 minute journey home for an hour of contemplation and then back, I realised this would have been too tragic even by my standards.
Theatre: In a play with 4 sections (2 parts with 1 interval each) I managed to sit in 3 different seats, owing to neighbour issues. I became a familiar face downstairs in the box office, and by the end I had an Apple Wallet a tout would be proud of. Although this caused problems later, when it took me a good two minutes to find a bank card to get me through the barriers at the tube station. Interestingly, I discovered that the vast majority of people in the box office are there to have their e-tickets printed physically as ‘memorabilia’ – I reckon these are the only things that get looked at less than the videos people film at concerts.
Review: Great effects, great franchise, greatly contrived, greatly lacking depth.
How I spent the 2 hours: Went home.

The Score

A press night. I was among kin and so thought I might have a peaceful evening. Unfortunately, I discovered the coughing critic is as common as the moving muggle.
It wasn’t bad. Felt like a storyline I hadn’t seen before which was nice. And had characters I didn’t know much about – Bach the composer and King Frederick the king.
Brian Cox was decent. He stumbled on occasion, but better he misses a few lines on the stage than his namesake misses a few asteroids heading for Earth.

The Years

Follows a woman from cradle to grave, stopping short of recycling her into toilet paper.
Shows like this are one of the reasons there are dinosaurs that still think plays have a purpose – to educate a man child who goes to the theatre for the sake of it.
I enjoyed it and it was well done. Only criticism is it started drag towards the end. One actor was very good.
No interval, which I was initially surprised about given the length, but the monotony in the stage manager’s voice as he stepped onto his namesake bang on the hour mark to announce the show was being stopped while they dealt with someone in the audience fainting reassured me it was a considered decision.

Mrs President

Dodged a bullet early doors. I sat down and immediately realised the seats are slanted pretty shallowly. To my horror, I then found I had an unnecessarily high ponytail in front of me, and an unnecessarily ripe pineapple in front of that. Fortunately, the back row was empty and I was able to dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge my up there just before it started.
Review: Began interestingly but got boring.
What became more entertaining was the high pony getting agitated behind the hyperactive pineapple twirling in front of her and having to do the 5 D’s herself to see the stage. I wonder if she’s self aware enough to realise she nearly did the same to me? I wonder if I’m self aware enough to realise something I don’t know about myself?

Fawlty Towers

Endearingly bad… but at no point did I not enjoy it. It just struggled to get off the ground. Perhaps it needed the same gust of tailwind that Mean Girls got for being a great film, but I was single digits when I saw the TV show so only a faint breeze remained.
Still, a homely and comforting watch that interestingly manages to draw a recommendation from me, but only if there’s a Sunday showing* and a blues battler in need.
*Just googled and no Sunday shows. Depression wins this one.

Mean Girls

Bearded and brilliant. On merit the show met a standard, then the film gave it a nudge and some headroom. Enjoyed Janis’s performance, and being reminded of a proper villain – Regina George.

Hamilton

Doesn’t need a review.

Second Best

Compromised. I annoyingly saw a review earlier in the day. I hate reading reviews before because I want to watch it clean and not under the influence. And I hate reading reviews after because I’ve already seen it so don’t care.
Review: The review was negative. The review was wrong.

Unicorn

Excellent. A novel topic with talented actors.
Reminded me of Jumanji: The Next Level in that it skilfully warmed us to the characters by front loading the humour, before hitting us with life after the break.
The greatest compliment came from the lady next to me who gave a rave review despite being asleep for the last half hour. A bit like the golden buzzer in Britain’s Got Talent, she’d seen all she needed to see, so decided to tap out and see what drama her dreams had in store for her.

Figaro: An Original Musical

I’d been to Scissorhandz only a few days before so something that literally had “An Original Musical” in the title immediately captured my scrolltention. My replacement Amex had arrived in the morning and it decided this was the perfect opportunity to activate itself. A huge step given that opportunity was usually a single pack of chewing gum in Tesco Express so I could use it alongside my Clubcard and gently introduce the new baby to the family dog.
Review: My card was fraudulently activated.
It was bad. A musical by numbers. Cliché and 30 years too late. I shouldn’t be able to guess what the next line is with greater than 20% accuracy but tonight I beat my own mind.
There were some good vocal performances, but that’s nowhere near enough at this level. Also somehow the kid I saw play Oliver a few weeks ago was in it. He was actually decent, which pins even more blame on our friend Sir Oliver.

Six

Yeah, very good. Glitzy without being gimmicky. Bold, front footed characters (except Jane Seymour who did my nut in).
An aside, I will always have a soft spot for musicals that think they can make me clap along during the encore.

Elektra

Can’t comment. Was an adapted Greek play thing and, like Shakespeare, I just don’t have a clue what’s being said. My fault.

Scissorhandz

A ‘musical’ version of Edward Scissorhands. In reality it was a series of covers and felt like a tribute act. The story and the three talented members of the cast deserved better. Disappointing.

Ballet Shoes

Thoroughly enjoyed it. Ballet, you stay.

Kyoto

Received a voluntary standing ovation from the big man. The story itself is unfortunately so compelling it gives the script a strong tailwind. But in addition to that it was well executed and had only a couple of clever devices rather than trying to blitz the whole production, which was refreshing.

Wicked

Obviously good, but we’ve had two decades of mums and sisters telling us it’s good, so it’s difficult to wow the minority I’ve now left.

A Good House

Urgh, it was fine I guess. Smoothly executed but lacked earthiness.
For some reason, when you watch dramas a good chunk of the audience will howl in laughter at terrible jokes. This had a lot of that. Does my nut in. I get the comic relief aspect, but this isn’t that. If the same people had paid to see a stand-up they’d be hurling rotten 5-a-days at them.

Operation Mincemeat

Mixed at the time, decent on reflection. Some of the vocals hung on by a thread and I found myself trying to assess the show on those grounds, but that wasn’t what it was. So I have a warmer view on it now than when I left the theatre. I may go back again, but in a better frame of mind. My fault.

Matilda The Musical

Going to the theatre on your own is preferable in every situation except this one (if you’re a single bloke). Off the back of this, I’m actively recruiting for a lady to be my Beard.
Job description: In return for a free ticket, she’d be happy meeting no more than 10 minutes before the show, taking the non-aisle seat, silently chaperoning me during the interval, and finding me gone when she turns to ask me what I think at the end. If she has kids even better, but the subsidy is capped at one ticket.
Review: Good. Much better than Oliver, but that doesn’t mean much.

Oliver!

Turns out I was at a preview.
Turns out I was sat next to the Director.
Turns out he’s a knight.
Turns out no one told him I don’t clap if I don’t think something’s good.
Turns out it was more boring than Oliver himself.
Turns out we each met our match – he’s as good at narky side eye as I am at drooping my head and sighing during applause breaks.
Turns out the only time he wrote in his notebook was when I finally clapped after Nancy’s solo near the end.

Mean Girls*

*Member of the cast was ill so the show was cancelled and tickets were refunded. Best wishes to the cast member etc, but truthfully I was relieved – I knew it would have been a tough interval. Was an irrational feeling because I know I’ll have to go there eventually, but offset by optimism for the show itself given the film is excellent.

Phantom of the Opera

A rewatch of the first musical I’ve ever been to. I must have been a pre-teen but I still remember it well as it was the first time I experienced cramp. My water bottle had fallen under my seat and, obeying my own theatre guide, I tried to get it by clawing my foot under my seat while staying perfectly still from the knee up. A twang of pain shot through me and I screamed at the exact time the phantom’s face was revealed. The rest of the audience recovered, but I spent the remainder of the show parched and convinced I was going to have my leg amputated.
Review: The same now as it was then – brilliant. A few parts are a bit dated but that has been earned so consider it a compliment.

Barcelona

A couple were getting with each other in the row in front of me – WTF.
Review: As they broke apart between breaths I was able to see through and discern that the script was below average, while Lily Collins’s performance was above. Unfortunately, the most chemistry was in row E.

Oedipus

Was okay. Haven’t decided how I feel about plays that just tell you a story from the past rather than the story happening during the play (I think we all know where I’ll land). The highlight was Mark Strong unfurrowing his brow for an exact zero seconds, which justified the unjustifiable ticket price.

The Play That Goes Wrong

Some highly enjoyable moments and one highly enjoyable character. Highly enjoyable.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button the Musical

Saw it two nights in a row.

Witness for the Prosecution

Ran from Waterloo station and arrived dead on the start. I was puffing, but apart from that everything seemed under control, although I did wonder why I wasn’t sweating. Then it hit me like a water cannon. The poor lady next to me. My dripping back was all I could think about until the interval, but I just about managed to cling onto plot and follow the he said/she said/he sweat. I came out from the break recomposed and able to smile, instead of wince, during the moments of light relief.
Review: Solid show and it’s worth going for the venue – County Hall.

Dr. Strangelove

Decent. Haven’t seen the film. Coogan good. One of his characters and another character v funny.
I also had this unreal one person seat that doesn’t make sense as I typed that but describes it perfectly.

Waiting for Godot

Saw it twice but not for the same reason as the Benjamin Button musical. The first time, I fell asleep during the second half, but I hadn’t slept well the night before, so I thought it might have been me. It wasn’t.

Back to the Future: The Musical

Objectively bad, subjectively quite bad.

Why Am I So Single?

This was a tricky interval even for me. Not the trickiest (see Matilda), but tricky.
Review: Knew what we were getting ourselves in for. Had a few good lines, and a few catchy songs (when they came). Obviously not the sort of thing I’d pay to see unless, as on this occasion, I paid to see it. Readers would have enjoyed seeing me arms folded and deadpan as the entire theatre sang along to “Men Are Trash”.

The Lehman Trilogy

Second time I’d seen it, the first time was BC football. It’s good. Ends a bit harshly but may be deliberate given the story.

The Unseen

Thought it was crap at the start but became quite gripping.

The Duchess

Sound interference from someone’s hearing aid almost made me interfere. Got money back. Felt like an average play, but couldn’t concentrate so can’t say for sure (I can, it’s average).

The Broken Fan’s guide to attending the theatre

STFU and sit still.

Back to the oven